What is self-compassion and how can it help you?

While walking through a park in New York recently, I came across a staircase with a message written in chalk:

“I will love you every step of the way.”

It was simple, temporary, and quietly powerful. That chalked message felt like a gentle reminder, a mantra for self-compassion. Even when the path is messy or uncertain, we still deserve our own love and support.

But let’s be honest: loving ourselves every step of the way is hard.

When we don’t land the job interview we were counting on, or when the validation we hoped for doesn’t come, many of us are quick to turn inward with criticism. We tell ourselves we should have done more, tried harder, been better.

And yet, that harsh inner voice doesn’t help.

In fact, it does the opposite.

Why Being Hard on Yourself Doesn’t Work

There’s a common belief that being tough on ourselves builds resilience or fuels motivation. But research shows that self-criticism actually increases stress and undermines our ability to recover from setbacks (Sinha & Mall, 2023).

That’s where self-compassion comes in.

According to a 2014 study by Albertson and colleagues, self-compassion not only eases immediate emotional pain, it also promotes long-term well-being and emotional strength.

So no, being kind to yourself isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer to a friend in a moment of struggle. When life gets hard, it’s about choosing encouragement over self-judgment.

Psychologist Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this field, defines self-compassion through three essential components:

1. Self-Kindness

   Self-kindness means responding to yourself with warmth and patience instead of harsh criticism. It's about noticing when you're struggling and choosing to offer yourself encouragement, just as you would to a good friend. This doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or avoiding responsibility, it means recognizing that being imperfect is part of being human, and you’re still worthy of compassion even when things go wrong.

2. Common Humanity

   When we suffer we may feel as though we’re the only ones who mess up, fall short, or feel this bad. Common humanity reminds us that struggle and imperfection are universal. Everyone experiences failure, rejection, and insecurity at some point. Recognizing this shared human experience helps us feel less alone and more connected, even in our pain.

3. Mindfulness

   Self-compassion asks us to be present with what we’re feeling without judgment or avoidance. In other words, it asks us to be mindful. It allows us to notice our painful thoughts or emotions without being overwhelmed by them or pushed into denial. In the context of self-compassion, mindfulness gives us the space to respond rather than react. To say, “This is hard right now,” instead of “This is unbearable and I can’t deal.”

How to Practice Self-Compassion (Especially When It’s Hard)

When life feels heavy; when doubt, fear, or shame start to take over, this practice becomes especially important. As challenging as that may seem, the good news is: self-compassion is a skill. And like any skill, it gets easier with time and repetition.

Start by tuning in to your self-talk. Is it supportive or critical? Are you isolating in your pain, or can you remember that others feel this way too? Can you stay with your discomfort rather than push it away?

These moments of awareness can shift everything.

A Gentle Reminder

So next time you find yourself struggling, try repeating this:

“I am here. I am flawed. I am doing the best I can. And I will love myself through every step.”

Even if you don't believe it fully, if it fades, if you’re not quite sure it will help, say it anyway. Sometimes just showing up with the intention to be kind to yourself is enough to shift something, even slightly. And that step matters.

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References

Albertson, E. R., Neff, K. D., & Dill-Shackleford, K. E. (2014). Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: A randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention. Mindfulness, 6, 444–454. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-014-0277-3

Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027

Sinha, S., & Mall, S. (2023). Emotional intelligence, self-criticism, depression, anxiety, and stress among young adults. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 11(1), Article ID: 11781. https://doi.org/10.25215/1101.11781